Dear Ms. Grocery Shopper,
If I am able to haul a grocery cart full of children and groceries to my car, unload said kids and the food into the steamy, hot vehicle and still manage to take my cart back to the designated cart parking... you should be able to manage not parking your cart from directly in front of my door after enduring what I can only imagine was a grueling 10 minute shopping trip, unencumbered by other human lives, for your pre-packaged dinner and shampoo.
Dear Animal Shelter People,
Though you two healthy twenty-something year old men may live in an age with feminism running rampant, and though I look completely competent handling a double stroller with two babies, a three year old and a puppy on a leash, it wouldn't kill you to at least offer to open the door for me, giving me the chance to say, "no, thanks, I've got it completely under control." I love opening doors with my feet while wheeling 50 pounds of baby in an awkward stroller, with a puppy tangling herself between my feet and calling for the three year old to get out of the parking lot. Really, I do.
Dear "Grandma Driver" (I, of course, use this term loosely as it could also include incompetent drivers on cell phones),
Though I know the scenery of West Texas is lovely, and you may love to get a detailed look of every passing bush, car and driver, some of use perpetually run late. Therefore, some of us like to go the speed limit and like to not worry about whether or not you are going to swerve into our lane at the last minute or prevent us from getting to appointments before our youngest children turn 40.
Dear Fellow Home Improvement Store Shoppers,
Though I do not revel in the idea of being with the loudest/smelliest people in the store, it's not me, it's my children. It's not their fault there are no sound/smell barriers in a completely concrete shopping arena thereby having nothing to soak up the sounds of ear-piercing screams or the nose-hair burning odor of a nasty diaper. Your dirty looks and scowls do me no good. In fact if you scowl at me more than once, on several different aisles and fail to offer any help, while watching me push a double stroller full of said screaming children and a cart full of home improvement supplies, in my head I'm taking the offending diaper and throwing it at you, though all you see is a smile...
Dear Second Fellow Home Improvement Store Shopper,
You are apparently a very smart person. Not only have you made it to a home improvement store with your buddies on a Saturday morning before 10 a.m., but you also managed to deduce to said buddies and me, while watching me push above mentioned stroller full of loud/smelly children and cart full of supplies, that if I had one more child I'd have FOUR...No kidding, you are really good at math - and quite lucky I might add, since the only thing that came out of my mouth was, "I do have four, thanks." Lucky you.
Dear Fellow Citizen of this Planet called Earth,
Because this point has obviously not been heard enough yet...If there are two babies, approximately the same age, with me, and one is dressed in a blue and orange basketball outfit and the other in a pink flowery outfit, and you ask if they are twins...and I answer Yes...THEY ARE NOT IDENTICAL, it's impossible, if you need to - look it up.
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9 comments:
Brooke you are hilarious.
We should go to the store together and see what kind of looks we get.
Oh, thank you, thank you for that laugh, especially the part about the "identical twins"
Awesome. I would totally say that they were identical if someone asked me. Just to mess with their head.
THANK YOU! I so enjoyed laughing at your pain, thanks for making it so entertaining. Way to be the better of them all :)
Ha! Ha! Ha! Brooke! Though I must say....do you need a vacation? Call me if you need even a little break one day! :)
Seriously though, if I had been in a little closer sprinting distance at church yesterday, I would have at least grabbed the door (or Landry) for you! Unfortunately by the time I realized your peril, you were already shoving the door open by yourselve with Landry strangled in one hand and Savannah being prodded through the door by the other. What was with all the other people sitting closer though??
You were a trooper at least attempting to make it through 3rd hour (or should we call it Sacrament mtg #2?.....as if one wasn't hard enough, right?
P.S. I think you're amazing! :)
That was sooo funny!! I haven't been doing a good job on reading blogs lately, but I am REALLY GLAD I read yours today. I haven't had very good home imporvment store stories either (except at Ace Allred's in PG of course). When I was 7 months pregnant with Sandy I had to go to Lowes to get another box of roofing nails. The person at the store showed me where they were then stood there and watched as I picked up a 50 pound box of nails as Clint tries to jump from the cart and then the cart slipped out from under Clint. I reached to grab the cart so Clint would not face plant on the floor and the nails slipped out and fell between my 7 month pregnant belly and the handle on the shopping cart. I caught the cart in time and Clint did not fall, but I had a huge bruise on my belly. The Lowe's associate looked at me and said, can I help you find anything else. I was soooo mad!!!!!!! Oh the joys of idiots :)
Once again, you have made my day! I could totally 100% relate though I couldn't even attempt to write such a humorous, completely truthful, entertaining post about it so thanks for sharing. I too loved the line about "are they indentical" I get it almost daily. Good luck, wish I was closer so we could go through this crazy time together. Just know that I learn a lot from you...I think you have it all under control!
You are too funny! You might want to label this one "rant." So funny! Writing must be in your genes somewhere. :)
See, this is why I don't leave the house any more! And the "identical twins" comments remind me why you can probably never go wrong underestimating the intelligence of the general public. Thanks for the laughs!
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