The Hole

I soaked a corner of our yard today.  Our dirt is so hard here that anytime we have to dig more than a few inches deep it's best to soak it with water and let it sit before hitting it with the shovel.

Tomorrow we're likely going to be digging a hole.  Not for a garden, or a tree, not for anything living this time.  It's going to be for something dead.

A hole.  For something dead.

That's no way to sum up what we're actually going to be doing.  We're going to be memorializing a member of our family.  We're going to be shedding sweat and tears to make a lasting home for a loyal friend.

Shai's dying.

She's sick and it would be unkind, unethical and immoral to keep her in her current suffering state.  She's spent the week at the vet suffering from what the doctor has described as pancreatitis. It's hard to treat in humans, and nearly impossible to treat in dogs.  They either get better, like she did last time, or they don't...like this time.

Shai's been a member of our family since we've been a family.  Shane and I bought her when we got married.  She's lived with us at 6 different homes.  She's delivered 2 different batches of puppies.  She's been with us on vacation, to family reunions, to the lake and on countless walks.

Even though it was my idea to go look at puppies and even though I jointly picked the beautiful black lab that we named Shai-anne, I swore I wasn't going to get attached.  I'm not a "pet person", I said.  So she became Shane's responsibility, and he was her love.  She'd bark at the french doors when she saw us hug, because he was only supposed to love her.  She'd follow his boat around the lake and nearly drown trying to get to him, rather than stay with me on the shore.  She loved Shane, so much.  But when she got pregnant the first time, she'd come to me to be petted.  She knew I had compassion and empathy for what she was feeling.  It was our connection, and she knew it.

I've tried to not get attached, because I didn't want to feel anything when this day came.

It didn't work.  I'm going to miss her.  A lot.

I'm going to miss her endless energy, her crazy high jumping skills, her undying loyalty to us, and her unwillingness to come back to us without a stick when playing fetch, even if it was in the water and she was so tired she could barely swim.  I am going to miss her beautiful brown eyes, and her strong, thick tail that whipped so hard when she was happy that she could bruise you.  I am going to miss her hops that she would do when she was on a walk, because she was so excited to be out, but didn't want to pull forward, so she'd hop, like a kangaroo on a leash.

I am going to miss the protection she gave, or at least the appearance of protection she provided, even though if someone had just petted her she would have been their best friend.  I always felt a little safer at night when Shane was gone, knowing she was out there for us.

I'm glad that we still have a little piece of her around, in Snowflake, even if they don't look anything alike.

And we'll have her hole.  The one in the ground, and the one in our hearts...

I'm going to miss you Shai.